It's a question I ask myself almost every single day. The only
answer I have been able to accomplish for myself....I lost it. I wake up
every day and I cannot believe how quickly my life spiraled out of
control. How did I not see this coming? Why didn't I seek help sooner?
This is not something I wanted to have to deal with during my first
summer off from school, but it has opened my eyes to see the bigger
picture in life and make some decisions. It has made me realize that my
health and my happiness come before anyone's problems. My mental and
physical health should always come before the job and before somebody at
work or friends.
I blamed my family for everything that would go wrong in
my life. I never took responsibility for my own actions. This is the
worst thing I ever could have done to myself. I never wanted to know
that I made mistakes. I know that nobody is perfect, but I wanted to
make little mistakes, not big ones that would alter the rest of my life.
If I could go back in time and change this, I would. I would be a
better sister and daughter. But I cannot change anything and I must
learn how to change it now and know that it was me pushing everyone
away; not them.
I never took a "mental illness" as something
serious. Now, however, I see how things can quickly become a big
problem. I am glad I didn't let myself struggle longer. I'm afraid what
might have had happened if I had. Would I still be functioning? Probably
not. My first counseling appointment was scary. I didn't want to be
labeled as a crazy person. Yet when I left that day, I had gotten so
many things off of my chest that I felt like the world was slowly being
lifted off my shoulders. I'm not saying it was easy to talk to a
complete stranger about my frustrations, anger, resentment, hatred, or
uncertainties. However, once she made me comfortable to this, I realized
that I had bottled so many things up -- things I wasn't even aware of
-- and work through them. Seeing a counselor hasn't been the magic fix.
Instead it has taught me how to face my fears and anger. This isn't the
path I wanted my life to take, but because I never faced anything and
would shut down when I went through something hard, it is in a way my
punishment for not taking control of my life sooner. I feel so
fortunate that my college has the ability to offer free services for
people like me who could not afford weekly sessions.
I'm not saying every day I leave my counseling sessions
are great. Some are hard and I spend the rest of the day holed up in the
house trying not to cry -- and most times failing. In a sick, twisted
sort of way, I am grateful I shut down. I'm already noticing a change in
myself that I am proud of. At work, I'm not allowing others to walk all
over me and I am gradually learning how to throw my hands up in the
air when I know I've taken on too many responsibilities. Each day I
learn more about my inner strength that I've always pushed away. I'm not
where I want to be mentally yet, but I know I can get there with time
and strength.
